Well isn’t that amazing. One day I choose to miss the bus happens to be today. So much for a good start. So much for getting the obligatory cliched rose. I should probably text her and give her a heads up. Not nice to have someone waiting on the first date, is it? I doubt this missed bus will be the worst of what is to come tonight though. I can already foresee my sense of humor falling flat and my ability to converse abandoning me somewhere down the line. Oh, this is going to be so bad. I can’t back out though. I mean, I didn’t really have a choice there. How often does the girl ask you out? Never, not for unassuming guys like me at least. Well, here comes the next bus. Should I get on it? Maybe I can call it off if I miss enough buses? You know what, I should contemplate all my life decisions right now and use the verdict of those to be the basis of my next mistake today. Is the bus driver waving at me? My snapping back to reality is warmly received by the huge crowd of two in the queue behind me. Oh, what moron must they think of me as. Look at this lovelorn teen, all dressed up with a rose in his hand. Let me handle this correctly by fumbling around for my bus pass and avoiding eye contact thereafter as I scrappily make my way to the most far off corner in the bus.
The bus is surprisingly empty for the time. No distractions for me to stop overthinking this. Why would she put me on the spot like that? I mean, she has known me for long enough to realize I am not good at thinking on my feet. You can’t just get the jump on someone in the middle of a homework session and drop the date bomb on them. I mean I do like her and all, but who does that? I was hyperventilating for the entirety of last night! I know I am going to manage to mess this up and then make things worse by being all weird about it. I don’t want to lose one of my best friends. Correction, I don’t want to lose one of my only friends. If she is not around, who will I rant about the stupidest of things? Who will binge watch tv shows with me on the weekends? Who will be my guinea pig when I attempt (emphasis on the word attempt) to cook? Who will I drag along with me to grocery store runs? Who will do homework with me in the library? Who will deal with my tantrums when I am sick? Or group up with my mum to pick on me? Life is going to be so weird without all that, without her.
How long has it been? A semester and a half? We met on orientation day and that too only happened because we both got lost. Oh god, both of us were high key panicking that day, frantically asking around about our group and eventually giving up. It’s crazy how that day felt so bad at the time but without it, I wouldn’t have met her. And I would not have found out how much of difference a person could make in my life. I am not even sure of when I realized its more than a best friend behavior. Is there even a line between those two roles? If there is, I do not know when she overstepped it, or when I decided to ask her to deliberate on that. Of course, me deciding to do anything does not coincide with me actually doing it. Not that any of those mock sessions or countless virtual run throughs came to my rescue yesterday. Pretty sure my blank expression and visible inability to say anything is not in the plans for today, the same way it was not yesterday but you know what, I like to live on the edge that way. Maybe there is still time to salvage the situation somehow. Ok. Deep breaths. Maybe step one would be to stop thinking about the past and trying to figure out a strategy for right now. Deeper breaths.
Let’s fix my hair for the umpteenth time. Each strand is important after all. My two best friends from the bus stop must be finding my jittery reactions to be highly fascinating. Let’s not focus on these make-believe concerns and get back to the actual ones. Like the circular marvels on my either side people commonly refer to as a pit stain. Now they are generally unwanted, but today, I think they will go great with my anxiety. The bus is making the final turn. Here comes the stop. I should probably stand next to the door. My feet don’t seem to be interested. Literally dragging my feet as they oppose the motion. Let’s make my walk out of the bus even more awkward and tense. I can feel my heart trying to escape out of my chest. Oh, she texted back. She is waiting in front of her dorm. And that’s right around the corner. Here goes nothing.
She is nervously pacing back and forth. Doesn’t have that usual beaming smile of hers. I think she may be a bit too engrossed with the waiting and is staring at the ground. Didn’t even notice me till now and I am almost next to her at this point. What is this urge to sprint away from there? Maybe it’s not that bad of an idea. Oh wait, never mind. She saw me.
The plan we decided on was to go to this one oriental fried chicken place we both were dying to try out. She is staring at something in my hand questioningly. I try to look at what that is. Oh, the rose. What’s the best way to give that to her? Definitely not just handing it to her nonchalantly like it’s a packet of Cheetos. But too late now. Already did that with my majestic awkward smile. She looks so confused. Bet she is judging me for being so cliched. Why is neither of us saying anything? About anything? Oh god, is this how it’s going to be between us? The walk was just 5 minutes on the map, but it feels a lot longer. I see the place and point at it, still making failed attempts to utter anything at this point. Her focus seems to be on maintaining eye contact with the ground right in front of her.
I should probably open the door for her. But then she will judge me for being extra chivalrous today. But I open the gate for her sometimes anyway. What I don’t do is give it this much thought and waste time thinking about it as she opens the door herself. Can this get any worse?
Just as we are walking towards the counter, the guy in front of us makes us bear witness to the loudest of burps. He is sheepishly making his way out of the restaurant now. I can feel my lips tightening up holding back the laughter. I look at her. Same situation on her side. As soon as we make eye contact, we both just explode. Now probably we are the ones being judged by the others but I don’t care about all that when we do dumb things together. We decide on the order for a grand total of 10 seconds and then sit facing each other.
“Soooo. . . . is it just me or this whole date thing is super weird?” she asks as she fidgets with her hands, still avoiding eye contact. My reply is an awkwardly long dragged out yeah. “I’m sorry I don’t even know what I was thinking last night. Its just been in my head for so long and you know how I overthink things and it’s bad and I don’t even know why I am thinking out loud now but I would rather do that than deal with this stupid quietness thing we are doing and at this point-“
“Order number 34!!” the counter person yells. How long has he been calling us? I don’t want her rambling to be cut off like this, but I quickly went to grab our plates.
It’s back to silence now. Damn you counter guy! Let me try something this time. I don’t even know how long my mouth was open for as I tried to come up with a conversation. Felt like an eternity. At some point, I realize she gave up on that and shifted her focus on the chicken. Maybe I should follow suit. I slowly take the first bite, and my brain, unable to process the magnificence my palette is witnessing, lets out an embarrassingly loud moan of approval.
“Well, I know who you’re taking back home after this date,” she says giggling.
“Hey! Rich coming from you! You already ate half your plate”, I retort.
“I eat fast. You know that! Plus, I didn’t have breakfast. If you don’t keep up, I’m taking pieces from your plate”, she replies while relentlessly continuing to dig into her side.
“You do that and see what happens! Guess who isn’t calling you a thousand times tomorrow to force you out of bed for your 9 am lecture,” I say with a smirk.
We eventually manage to come to a truce. Her smile is back. Probably because of the food. But its back, and I am glad it is. The topic shifts from her inability to wake up to the new plot twist in our binge list, and what we think might be happening later today when we would be doing more normal things. We sat and talked, pretty much the way we do every other day. Nothing seemed different, and I could sense the tension and anxiety evaporating with each passing minute. We even made eye contact in there somewhere! Eventually, I get up to return the trays. As I turn back, I see her come towards me and before I have a chance to respond, I get tackled into a hug. I could sense my heart thumping, and oddly enough, hers too. It was one of those super tight hugs of hers, the best kind. Even though I cannot see her face, I know she is smiling. Even though I don’t realize it right away, I am too. She doesn’t want to move away from the hug, and neither do I. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad after all.
The Paltry Philosopher 